No matter how hard you try

You just can't get past your core.

I was always the least favorite child. You try to get past that, but even when you think you have, it slaps you in the face now and then.

I've made it clear that I want to be cremated when I die. At my sister's funeral I realized that the reason I've been so adamant about that is that I don't expect anyone would come. It's a pattern that I just noticed has been repeated throughout my life. My first marriage was in my sister's livingroom on New Year's Eve, because family was going to be there anyway. My second was in the courthouse. When I was very sick and in the hospital, I told people they didn't need to visit me, I was OK. They didn't, but I wasn't. I've always tried so hard to please my family; and they are pleased when I make something special for them. But it's short term. It wears off. It goes away.

I see myself as an unnecessary person.

Yesterday my brother-in-law asked me over to my sister's house to take her knitting supplies. While I was there he asked if there was anything I wanted. I saw 2 plates in the cupboard that I recognized as having belonged to my grandmother and great grandmother. He gave them to me. I was so excited. So I took them over to show my mother and she said, "Oh, no. You can 't have those. They have to go to Merry (my other sister) because she has the rest of the set." So Merry got them.

I don't like the part of me that feels inferior. But I guess it's just something I have to live with. My husband loves me.

Death

My sister died Thursday and the funeral was today.

The morning she died I was looking out my kitchen window at the little stream running thru my backyard. I felt like she had left us and joined the water. The stream was made up of thousands of souls who were traveling down the creek, to the pond, to the river and the ocean. Some of them would evaporate and come back to earth. Some would just luxuriate in being together; rolling over and under in the softness. Clare might giggle as she traveled over the rocks in the stream. It would feel so good. And she would find such peace surrounded by the other souls.

Life had gotten so hard for her. I saw her just before she went to the hospital, she looked and me and said, "I don't know what I'm going to do." She was so worried about being so sick and helpless. I'm not sure she ever acknowledged that she was dying. Maybe she just didn't want to upset anyone else. And none of us talked about it because we didn't upset her.

2009 has not started well. I expect it will get worse.

Bobbin Lace Making

I'm learning to make Bobbin Lace. There is finally a club here in Huntsville that welcomes beginners (I'm proud to consider myself an advanced beginner). The existing club does not allow new lace makers - I expect their fate to be similar to the Shakers, eventually they will all die.

So far I've done several bookmarks, some yardage and a sampler. For Christmas I'm hoping to get a subscription to a bobbin of the month club. Every month I'd get a new bobbin. It would be like having Christmas all year.

It will be a light Christmas. I'm making most of the gifts I'm giving.

It's hard to get excited about the holidays. My sister has ovarian cancer and is not doing very well. It's just hard to know what to do.

Thumbless

After knitting sweaters for my daughters and stepdaughter I noticed that my thumbs were hurting a lot. Of course, then I launched the two mystery shawls, two pairs of gloves, one pair of socks, and a pair of fancy wrist warmers. Then my thumbs REALLY hurt. Sometimes they would wake me up they hurt so much.

I finally went to the hand doctor and got to pay him to tell me what I already knew. I have arthrosis in my thumbs. So I'm in thumb braces which make it impossible to knit and difficult to use the computer.

Did you know there is a difference between arthritis (inflammation of joint) and arthosis (cartilage has worn away)?

Now I've bought a rigid heddle loom and I'm trying to suck up quantities of stash wool by weaving scarves (you don't need thumbs for that).

I've also gotten more involved in Bobbin lace (tho it does hurt sometimes to pick up the bobbins). I've joined a Bobbin Lace club that meets once a month. I've already learned a lot from a couple of the members. But I HAVE to knit. So I only do a little bit each day. When it starts to hurt, I put the braces back on.

I don't think my sister is doing very well. She's been fighting Uterine Cancer and now she's having lots of fluid build up in her lungs and abdomen. She's had so much bad luck, it's time for her to have something good happen.

Mystery Shawls

I finished BOTH mystery shawls. The yarn for the green one ran out with about 6 inches of edging still to go. But I dyed more yarn; which naturally came out too dark. So I ended up re-dyeing the entire shawl. As it turns out, I like the new color better.



The second shawl was make with recycled silk/angora/nylon yarn. I will NEVER use recycled yarn again, it was whimpy and tired. But I finished it anyway.

The death of a dog.

Wrangell was a sweet, long haired (but purebread) Siberian Husky. He was about 13 years old and selectively deaf. He couldn't hear me calling him, but he could hear dishes being put into the dishwasher. His decline was so subtle that we didn't really notice it until one day he could no longer get up if he fell, couldn't climb steps, and didn't care about treats.

My husband took him to be put down on the day after my birthday. What made it harder was that he was actually excited about going for a ride in the car. My husband still can't talk about it. It really hit him hard (Wrangell was born on his daughter's bed). Me too, but not as bad.

I spent the next three days scrubbing floors. I guess that was a way to cope. Those big, old dirty dog feet had brought in a lot of dirt. Now my floors are very clean. Now I know how unimportant clean floors are.

He was so sweet.

Knitting Goddess Mystery Shawl

Well, I got the first clue for the mystery shawl. My first problem is that I'm not sure which yarn to use. I have a very pretty deep blue cashmere/silk blend that is soft and pretty and a purple/green/cobalt tensel that is also beautiful. I've knit the beginnings of the shawl in each but still can't decide. The tensel is a lot easier to work with than I expected. I have a week to live with both of them before the second clue comes in. Maybe one of them will tell me what to do before them.

Tomorrow I'm having my parents over for a cookout (but eat in) for Father's Day. Dad is 92, can't see much, can't hear much, can't taste much and can't get around too well. But I've made his favorite food. Potato salad, cole slaw, baked beans and Mike will grill steaks. My sister will bring a cake. We'll have a good time; they'll stay about 45 minutes. They are so uncomfortable being away from home.

Monday is my anniversary - 3 years. Tuesday is my sister's birthday. Wednesday is my parents' anniversary - 72 years.

Hope the yarn speaks up loud enough for me to hear it over all the bustling around.