No matter how hard you try

You just can't get past your core.

I was always the least favorite child. You try to get past that, but even when you think you have, it slaps you in the face now and then.

I've made it clear that I want to be cremated when I die. At my sister's funeral I realized that the reason I've been so adamant about that is that I don't expect anyone would come. It's a pattern that I just noticed has been repeated throughout my life. My first marriage was in my sister's livingroom on New Year's Eve, because family was going to be there anyway. My second was in the courthouse. When I was very sick and in the hospital, I told people they didn't need to visit me, I was OK. They didn't, but I wasn't. I've always tried so hard to please my family; and they are pleased when I make something special for them. But it's short term. It wears off. It goes away.

I see myself as an unnecessary person.

Yesterday my brother-in-law asked me over to my sister's house to take her knitting supplies. While I was there he asked if there was anything I wanted. I saw 2 plates in the cupboard that I recognized as having belonged to my grandmother and great grandmother. He gave them to me. I was so excited. So I took them over to show my mother and she said, "Oh, no. You can 't have those. They have to go to Merry (my other sister) because she has the rest of the set." So Merry got them.

I don't like the part of me that feels inferior. But I guess it's just something I have to live with. My husband loves me.